Being There As a Caregiver In Sickness and In Health

Helping a loved one navigate cancer can be daunting, but it is also among the most important things one can do. Providing your strength, love, encouragement, patience, and so many other qualities can make the difference for someone who is undergoing the toughest obstacle of their life. Still, it can be challenging, not to mention terrifying, exhausting, and confusing.

There’s the guidance we hear on airliners before takeoff that says “put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others,” and this remains a good aspirational metaphor. But it only goes so far, and more often than not, your focus will always and relentlessly be on doing everything in your power to help your loved one who is enduring cancer. You want to take away their pain, expedite their treatment, and get them back to health. You tell yourself over and over that no one, especially my loved one, deserves this. Yes, you try to take care of yourself, but you know deep down that you’d give away your own health if it meant easing your loved one’s suffering. That’s just who we are.

This is not to say we’re always saints. In my situation, I get frustrated with the schedulers at a world-renowned cancer treatment center who don’t apparently understand time and distance between their own facilities, don’t have a sense of urgency commensurate with the care I know my wife is entitled to, or sets up procedures at 6am during a week of monsoonal rain. I also got frustrated at doctors early on who answered questions only reactively, almost like Siri, rather than showing proactive care and empathy. I wish my wife’s health care team over the last six years was more thoughtful about the cumulative effect of her 14 surgeries, and I get angry that research seems to go towards other cancers but not the one my wife has, given it’s so unique.

But all of that pales in comparison to the love I have for my wife and my continued realization that I’d do anything, travel anywhere, and step up on any task she needs. I pray every day for her recovery, to ease her pain (both physical and mental), and to rid her body of this disease. I also take personal agency in being there for her, like informing my boss several years ago that I was never again going to miss even one of my wife’s appointments, after a purportedly simple procedure that she attended alone left her in such pain that she could not make it home. I was in a Pentagon meeting at the time and I swore this would never happen again on my watch.

Finally, I’ve learned that stress is going to happen, and I might even let it show now and again. I suspect this is true of all caregivers and we wouldn’t be human otherwise. The key is to not dwell on whatever issue it might’ve been and instead remember the “why” part of the whole endeavor. For me, it’s a gorgeous brown-haired woman I fell in love with 35 years ago, and whom I’m as determined as ever to get through all this. And I will, come rain, high water, or less-than-helpful lab receptionists and appointment schedulers. Especially the schedulers…I’ll bend space-time if necessary. Try me.

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John Sherman- Dean of the Texas A&M Bush School of Government and Public Service

John Sherman graduated from Texas A&M University with a Bachelor of Arts in History, where he also served as Commander of the Texas A&M University Corps of Cadets. He later earned a Master’s in Public Administration from the University of Houston. Following graduation from Texas A&M, he was a US Army Air Defense Artillery officer in the 24th Infantry Division. He spent more than 30 years in the intelligence community (CIA, NGA, ODNI, DoD) and is now the Dean of the Texas A&M Bush School of Government and Public Service. He is the proud husband of Liz and proud father of two children, Brad (married to Oksana) and Savannah (married to Kurt), and one grandchild Grace!