The Holidays After Losing a Loved One

At some point in everyone’s life there will come a time when there’s an empty seat at the holiday dinner table or one less gift to give because they’ve lost a person they love. More than likely, everyone reading this blog has already experienced it. I can only speak from personal experience and that is losing my wife to ovarian cancer in the middle of the 2017 holiday season. 

Ingrid passed away on December 4 that year, just over eight days after doctors told her she had from seven hours to seven days to live. “Seven days? That’s a bag of hooey!,” I’m sure she thought. So, she made it eight. That was Ingrid. She was a brilliant lawyer who always had the last word. Not even cancer was going to change that. 

Holidays are among the hardest times for those who have lost a loved one. I know they have for me. Holidays are filled with family traditions and the layered memories of holidays gone by with the anticipation of creating even more. Sometimes we feel comfortable talking about it, but other times it could hurt to the core. In fact, if the loss is new and the grief intense, it is impossible not to talk about it.  The pain is so constant it is hard to ignore. When the loss is in the rear window and you think you have healed, the holidays may be even harder.  The dull ache of absence and the urge to try and be cheerful can haunt the heart long after the loss takes place. 

There’s so much written about the feeling a person has after losing a loved one regardless of the time of year, but the feeling is often deeper during the holidays when family and friends are often the closest together.  And this is true regardless of a person’s faith. All faiths celebrate distinct seasons of joy, community, and spiritual reflection that share a similar spirit of celebration. As a Christian, for me, it is Christmas. 

Grieving is such a roller-coaster ride. One day we think the worst is over, that we’re really beginning to pick up our lives again. The next day, or even the next hour, it’s as though it was all fresh and we’ve made no progress at all. 

Memories are always there to hook us, to make the grief fresh again. Birthdays, anniversaries, even annual vacations can renew our grief, especially the first time we experience them without a loved one. But the Christmas season can be among the hardest times of the year for those grieving a loss, as the world around us seems ready to celebrate. We have cherished traditions, such as attending religious services, hanging stockings, decorating the tree, and enjoying traditional foods. They are part of our identity and our joy in being alive with those we love. Now those traditions are gone along with someone with whom we loved.  

Much like you and your family, there were many traditions Ingrid and I enjoyed every holiday season. We would watch the movie “White Christmas” the night before Thanksgiving while eating sushi. We would soon shop for gifts in Toronto, and sip on a rum eggnog (or two) on Christmas morning. Nine years later and I’m still watching “White Christmas” on Thanksgiving Eve, but there are no trips to Toronto or eggnog, with or without rum, on Christmas morning. Even after so many years watching “White Christmas” without Ingrid. I can still hear her describe Bing Crosby’s voice “Smooth as buttermilk.”  For those of you who’ve heard him sing that song, I’m sure you’d agree with her. 

Many people who have lost a loved one must decide what to do with belongings the person once owned, such as clothing.  It is heartwarming to see a favorite Christmas sweater or tie worn by another family member as a reminder of what made the loved one a bit more cheerful during the Holidays.  While Ingrid had her Holiday scarves, sweaters and hats, she made it easy and candidly joyful for me to clean out her closets and dresser drawers and distribute every piece of clothing she owned to others.  Once admitted into hospice, she told me her wish was that everything, from her hats to her shoes, go to homeless shelters and she wanted it done before Christmas. I only had two weeks, but I’m happy to say her wish was granted.  

As the great German philosopher Goethe once said, “It is the nature of grace always to fill spaces that have been empty.”  For those of us who’ve suffered a loss, it means that there’s an essence that naturally flows in to restore us when we’ve been emptied by loss and suffering grief, be it through the love, kindness and caring of others, or by a sudden rush of comfort that envelops us from some unexplained source. It’s a feeling I’ve experienced, and if you’ve lost a loved one, hopefully you have as well.  

I don’t know if this was purely coincidental or from some divine intervention, but as I started to write this blog I paused to go through a stack of paper in one of those old fashioned “in-boxes” I still have on my desk and came upon a sheet of paper with nothing on it but the following: 

“No matter what your faith is or not, no matter where in the world you are, I want you to know that during this Holiday season I’ll be with you. In the eyes of every child and the melody of every song. I’ll be the glimmer in the ice crystals, the rays in the sun, and the stars at night. And with each smile you see, every hug you receive, and every laugh you hear, I’ll be there, reaching out through another, with blessings, and tidings to last you the year. Not because it’s Christmas, but because I love you, always have, always will. And these things are true every day of your life. Snowball Duck – The Universe

You may already know this beautiful message, and Snowball Duck too! I don’t remember ever reading it before, but I’m glad to share it with you here. So, I hope this Holiday season blesses you with all those you love, whether they are gathered around you or resting peacefully in your heart.

Michael Smith

Mr. Michael Smith, from Detroit, is involved in many successful entrepreneurial ventures, including manufacturing golf products in Asia to negotiating collective bargaining agreements for contractors that hire union labor. Michael also managed several political campaigns and worked in the Michigan Senate and U.S. Senate. 

Throughout his successful career, Michael was always deeply involved in charitable nonprofits that serve children, the developmentally disabled and the elderly.